Growing up in the country, I spent a great deal of time outdoors. I’m not afraid of bugs or dirt. However, I recently learned the impressive Colombian Red Fire Ants aren’t my friends.
Throughout my 32 years in rural Pennsylvania, I’ve lived more-or-less indifferent to ants. I‘ve waged the occasional war on mice attempting to sublet the kitchen cabinets in my city apartment. I’ve even hunted houseflies for a nickel a kill from my mom. Living next door to a dairy farm, they were a plague. Ants, however, were no more than an occasional picnic nuisance.
That is until I met the ants of Cali, Colombia. You see, Colombia’s home to a particularly vicious breed of ants known as “Hormigas Rojas” or “Red Fire Ants”. And let me tell you, I’ve never hated and respected a creature, in equal parts, so thoroughly.
Impressive Little Creatures
Red Fire Ants are most well-known as an invasive species that has set up camp around the globe, wreaking havoc wherever they go.
They are very small and reddish-brown in color. And their sting packs quite a punch for such an inconspicuous insect. (More on my first-hand experience with this to follow.)
When I first arrived, I started a routine of walking the dog in the nearby park several times a day. It would have been impossible to walk the park without noticing the ants. I often saw them marching in long, orderly lines spanning many meters, transporting their scavenged foods back to their nests.
Watching them march along with their found food, typically leaves and plants, is an impressive sight since they can lift as much as 20 times their body weight. Often, I would only see the ants because I first noticed an orderly line of leaves parading across the ground. In fact, they march the same paths so many times they leave noticeable trails, known as foraging trails, cutting through grassy areas.
In the beginning, was impressed every time I witnessed the intrepid little creatures. I would even make a special effort to share the sidewalk with them, not stepping on their trails during my strolls. That is until the day they fired their first shot and made a mortal enemy of me.
Ant Attack
I had decided to spend some time enjoying the cooler-than-normal weather reading in the park. I chose a pleasant, shaded bench and settled in. Soon though, I began feeling a slight burning in the vicinity of my butt. At first, I scratched inconspicuously, assuming it was a single bite and would soon pass. Quickly, I realized this was not a single bit but a full-fledged attack.
If you’ve never been bitten across your ass by a troupe of fire ants, let me share a bit about the experience you’ve missed out on.
It begins with only a slight burning but rapidly progresses and spreads to a mind-numbing itching pain across the better part of your ass, upper legs, and other unfortunate neighboring areas until you find yourself sprinting home from the park, vigorously and unashamedly scratching your ass, and trying to avoid eye contact with your neighbors.
Now, I’m not exactly sure of the best manner of treatment for an attack by putas Hormigas Rojas. However, if you care to follow my treatment plan for several bites on the ass (which, by the way, does not come highly recommended), feel free to follow these steps:
Step 1
Once home, begin by stripping from the waist down and jump into the shower, which only produces cold water. Commence scrubbing said ass furiously with a natural loofa and some exfoliating body wash. (This part I actually do recommend) As an added option, it’s negligibly beneficial to scrub while screaming, crying, and hopping around the shower. You will know step two is complete when your ass is red and raw, yet somehow, still itchy.
Step 2
This one is a little trickier since you are now incapable of rational thought from the all-consuming pain, and it requires the assistance of someone willing to look at your ass. Simply cry, pound on the wall, and wait for your husband or any other person within range of your sobs to come to your aid.
Step 3
This is where the real work begins. Assemble the following materials: ice packs, towels, calamine lotion, and hydrocortisone cream. Then forget you ever possessed even a shred of dignity as you stick your ass in the air allowing your rescuer to go to town, applying the gathered supplies in a continuous rotation. Your only real responsibility at this point is to continue crying and informing them where the really painful spot has moved to now.
Step 4
Once you are still itchy but have stopped crying and can once again form rational thoughts, you’re ready for the final step. This step is integral and probably should’ve been the first step. Go to the freezer, find the largest flat, frozen product you can (I highly recommend a giant salmon filet), place it on a chair, cover it with a towel, and sit your bare ass on it until it’s completely numb. At this point, you should finally feel enough relief to record the whole traumatizing and embarrassing event in writing to share with friends, family, and curious strangers on the internet.
To be fair, they fired warning shots before this day. I’ve received single bites here and there, which were unpleasant but bearable.
Having now experienced the full force of their ire, I plan to find out which of their ant representatives I need to meet with to attempt to initiate a truce and end this brutal war and their hostile attacks.
I’ll be sure to update readers on the status of the peace talks as soon as I figure out how to contact the Ant Embassy. For now, however, I must go. The salmon is thawed, and it is time for lunch.
BLEW WRITING LLC 